There are many kinds of walls we can construct. Between nations to keep people out, or keep people in. Within families due to disagreements over politics, inheritances, divorce, or really just about anything however big or small. Walls protect us, shield us, but can also keep us enclosed in our own denial or too- safe spaces.

I’m writing in this post about a very thick kind of wall at times, the ‘wall of enabling’. This will be the first post of two, with this one dealing with what is the ‘wall of enabling’ and enabling in general, and the second post will be on how to be more aware of it in our lives and how to stop. When I use the word ‘enabling’ in this post, it is not in the positive sense of helping or supporting someone that is learning a skill or walking through a tough time.

I am writing rather of the toxic (harmful) sense when we, through our enabling, help those particularly in power to continue certain behaviors of control or not letting go when needed. A common form of enabling is when we help people who are addicted to continue their behavior, by either ignoring what is happening or providing the finance or support emotionally.

Two areas of concern for me that I have written on in the past few years is the need for healthy succession in groups, and also the tragic area of spiritual and/or sexual abuse. Something common in both of these areas, though it can look quite different, is that there are often ‘enablers’ who are afraid to tell the truth to power. In both areas of succession and abuse, those that try and speak up can face a loss of friendships, jobs, or more. There is almost always a cost in speaking up, to be a ‘whistleblower’ and say ‘enough is enough’.

In both speaking up about the need for transparent and clearly communicated succession, and also in challenging and exposing abuse of any kind, the struggle of ‘what is loyalty?’ comes up. To be loyal can mean ‘going with the flow’ no matter what is happening. It can become toxic in a Christian group when somehow the disapproval of God is linked to the disapproval from the powers that be. I have written two previous posts on blind loyalty and denial if you are interested: first is The Deadly Danger of Loyalty that Leads to Denial, and also a follow up to that post: What is the Cost of Denial? Of Speaking Truth to Power?.

But I want to write even more specifically about a reaction I have seen of ‘enablers’ at times. This reaction can apply to really any time criticism of the ‘group’ or leader is brought up. Let me illustrate from an experience in my life. One time I was with a small group working on a mission project. It was over several days and had been a wonderful time of bonding over hard work. On the last day, three of us who were leaders in a particular part of the mission went out for a meal. Thinking that there was a deep and safe bond between us, I mentioned a concern I had about the mission. I can’t fully remember now what it was specifically, but I do remember the reaction. Both of these people changed the subject immediately, and I could sense the ‘wall’ go up.

For whatever reason in that specific story, there was a wall that meant there could be no more conversation. Let me be clear, this was not an example of ‘gossip’ or ‘slander’ that I was doing. It was an area of constructive criticism that we as leaders could discuss and get perspective on, including me. The ‘wall of enabling’ is when we refuse to engage in conversations because we are afraid that it will lead to unsafe ground. Perhaps that lack of safety is because of a personal cost to us, like the disapproval or loss of favor from those in ‘power’ or authority if they find out. Or it could be because we have a wrong understanding of loyalty. Or we just don’t want to rock the boat and want to live in harmony no matter the cost.

Like all of us, I also don’t want to be disliked or considered a ‘trouble-maker’. We all want to be liked, some of us however have made to be approved of as an idol. But the question comes for all of us: What organizational or personal behavior by those in leadership is worth speaking up about? What greater costs are there if you stay silent? There are so many sad stories about when spiritual or sexual abuse is uncovered, or succession stories gone wrong and so many end up hurt. In virtually every case, there are people around these stories that chose for various reasons to stay silent. Their names usually never come out, but they know what they did or did not do, and they have that on their conscience however secret to others.

So how and why does this ‘wall’ develop? Let’s look at a few points:

1. The ‘wall of enabling’ starts small and grows over time, with choice after choice. When we begin to wrongly protect others, and in that ourselves, it becomes larger and larger. When I was thinking of this post, I wanted an image of a large wall. Sometimes I ask the AI Assistant for an image, and I thought of the huge wall in the ‘Games of Throne’ books and TV series. You can see the result in the image accompanying this post. This was a wall to keep out the fearful things of the ‘North’ and it became frozen in place. Our walls can also become frozen in place as they get larger and larger.
2. This ‘wall of enabling’ starts and continues because of fear. Perhaps it is the fear of the cost to us if we speak up, or the fear of the future for our group. Or a fear for what may happen to a beloved leader or mentor if things come out. Or the fear that we may be wrong in our assumption or in what we think we saw or heard. Fear becomes something that we experience in our inward person, and it can affect our outward relations relating to those in authority or others in our sphere of influence.
3. The ‘wall of enabling’ develops often from a wrong understanding of ‘loyalty’, as I alluded to earlier in this post. In a wrong way, loyalty is seen as doing anything for authority. This includes protecting those in power no matter what they may do or not do. In the worst case, it means turning away from situations of abuse toward others. In a best case, it can mean not even challenging or suggesting other courses of action to those in authority, including related to succession.
4. Often the ‘wall of enabling’ is something that we are not aware of in our lives. I have seen in my own life that my love of other’s approval, especially those in authority, created various versions of the ‘wall’. It was only when I began to look deeper inside my life and story that I saw this love of approval, and then the resulting wall it helped create. It takes consistent and persevering hard inner work to get at these things, and to see the wall to be able to dismantle it, sometimes one brick at a time.

In the next post, part 2, I will write more on how we can begin to see this wall, and how we can dismantle it. And in that, begin to stop the areas of enabling in our lives.