A few weeks ago I wrote a post on ‘The Wall of Enabling’. In it I described what I have seen at times in conversations with people, when a wall goes up. Often this can be due to someone with a misguided loyalty refusing to engage with anything that seems overly negative. For those that have not read it, or want to read again, here it is: The Wall of Enabling, Part 1. This post is part 2, and in it I will attempt to write of how to be aware of this wall, and how to dismantle it in our lives or groups.

Like any wall, the ‘Wall of Enablement’ is built brick by brick often over a long period of time. Once you have made it a practice to enable someone else’s behavior (or a group) by not speaking out or not attempting to stop them, it always becomes harder the next time. Silence and protecting your reputation or job or place in the family or group becomes the primary priority. As I said in the first post, it is always a painful thing to speak out. It often means you are ostracized from people or a group. It becomes too difficult for people to even acknowledge you any more, as the ‘wall’ means you are on the other side now.

So how do we become aware if we have the ‘wall of enabling’? Some of what follows overlaps with ‘how to dismantle the wall’. Certainly you will have your own ways both to become more aware of the wall, and also how to end it. But here are some of mine, from seeing the wall at times in my life or seeing it in others. Also these things apply both to individuals but also to groups. As you read, make your own applications in your life and context.

First, self-awareness is crucial. This to me is the most important characteristic of leadership both personally and in groups. And yes, a group, can be more self aware. How do we become more self-aware? Asking questions is key. Of ourselves and opening up to others asking us. After I wrote my first post, someone I know asked the question, ‘do I have this wall of enabling in my life?’ Asking a question like that is the first step to awareness. It takes courage to ask ourselves, and others, in any area of potential blindness in our lives or group. And to ask being willing to see deeply the result or answer.

Secondly, along with self-awareness we need to question do we have a wrong view of loyalty? To begin to dismantle the wall of enabling, we need to question if we have a blind loyalty or blind obedience? Does the leader of our group or person in our life require a higher level of loyalty than it is appropriate to give? One time in a ministry location my wife and I gave leadership to, there was a knock on our door late at night. One of our staff was there, and they had suffered sexual abuse from someone leading them in a ministry that was part of our location. Though it was so hard to come to us due to culturally the ‘wall of enablement’ in place about never exposing a leader, thankfully they did. And we were able to make sure that staff member was helped and the leader concerned also found correction and change. What does loyalty mean to us? Does it involve having a ‘wall’ in place wrongly? Where we won’t even entertain perhaps needed places to correct or be ‘negative’ in a context?

Third, choose to not reman silent. Each time we choose to be silent in the face of wrong behavior or needed different opinions we are putting another brick in our own wall or the wall of our group. Silence becomes the go-to response instead of speaking what we think or feel. Of course we must ‘pick our battles’ and have wisdom drench our speech, but sometimes we need to take the risk and say something. As I have written in other posts on sexual and spiritual abuse, I have learned from many trips on the Tube in London. Their saying: ‘if you see something, say something.’ Or another version, ‘See it, Say it, Sorted’. Usually if we are silent, it only gets worse.

Fourth, know yourself and your own gifts/personality, and embrace it. Not all of us find it easy to confront a person or situation, whether they are in authority or not. Me, for example. I have never found confrontation easy. I shy away from it, taking more the personality of my mom who was Mrs. Harmony. But my Dad was the opposite, so like all of us I am a mix of both parents. But in my leadership over the past almost five decades I have definitely had to learn to ‘say something’ when I need to. It has not usually been easy, and perhaps it isn’t for you either.

Fifth, we need a new understanding and perspective on what it means to be ‘positive’. Some leaders have made being positive almost the 11th commandment. They refuse to say anything that could be perceived as being negative, even if it is to point out abuse or a lack of wisdom on a point with a leader. I heard a leader in my mission say once that he knew of other leaders, if they were in a meeting and anyone said anything they perceived as negative, they would walk out. That was considered exemplary! But what if there was truth in that person being ‘negative’, and what if it was needed wisdom or a corrective for the group?

And last, be committed to chipping away at your own wall no matter how big or small it is. These walls are built over decades, and they don’t come down usually in one big crash. If you become aware of your own wall of enabling, or someone else points it out to you, take the time to do your own inner work. Work on being more aware of how you react in situations where ‘power’ is being exerted, sometimes in a toxic way that you know is wrong. What will you do? Keep silent at the shrinking of your own soul? Or at the cost of seeing injustice or abuse happen to others?

You most likely could come up with your own list of actions that will help you chip away at your own wall, and in that stop enabling. These are just a few of mine. And of course we will all be learning in these areas to our last breath. What is enabling, and what is loving someone?

Let’s keep learning, and not be silent about what we learn.